You smell like a Billy Joel song
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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