I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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