The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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