So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
