My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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