I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
