Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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