Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
