Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
