I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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