just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
