Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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