I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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