I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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