I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
