I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
