I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm really busy with my period
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