I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
