Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize