im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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