Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
