I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
