Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
