I want to stick my p in your. b.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
