You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
All I want is dick and wine.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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