I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
