you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
