i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
