im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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