I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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