i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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