I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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