So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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