I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
