everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
