No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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