Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He? As in you personified your dick?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
