I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
