I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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