i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
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