i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
