Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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