I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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