tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize