You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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