Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
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