Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
