She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
