Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
