just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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