She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize