i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
