im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
