Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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