he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
