You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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