Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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