her vagina looked like bernie madoff
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
