Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
