No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize