He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You pole danced in your parka.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize