i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
