she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
birth control should be required to get into college
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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