Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
