i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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