he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I enjoy the company of your penis
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