I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize