I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
