I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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